I have concluded that summer holidays and spring cleaning are inseparables. BFF. Though summer follows spring and the spring in our step goes astray in summer. I don’t know whether the twain meet but it seems they do.
Spring cleaning brings me to the acid test that most of us would have given an arm and a leg to avoid. The OG Stool Test. Cleaning the attic. It is as if our mothers were secretly commissioned by both National Geographic and Discovery to lay bare the treasure that went in there, without any protest, I suspect.
But this is not about that Stool Test. This is closer home(metaphorically) but you are never at home with it. It goes by different brand names: loose motions in layman’s language and | or dysentery, diarrhea( not exactly a name to die for), gastroenteritis and the likes.
If you think it requires guts to share this, let me tell you, it doesn’t. One has to only move on from bowel syndrome to vowel syndrome. Nothing else.
There is so much talk of LLMs these days of AI, I have begun to wonder whether it is code for Loose, Loose Motions but then stopped short of judging an acronym by its potential.
And this stool test gets amplified if you visit a hospital or a clinic when you go through the ignominy of laying it bare to the Doctor on call. Here is a gist of the typical conversation:-
” Since when are you experiencing these symptoms? “- History being recalled as we try to decipher biology.
You: ” It’s been two days “.
Doctor: ” How many episodes on an average per day? What is the frequency ?”.
You( for a while starting to look around in bewilderment to ensure that you are not in the Netflix offices): ” I have been binge walking to the rest room and back and completing 7-8 episodes in an hour. But I have not been able to recommend this to anyone though the recommendation engine did try to prompt me with questions like do you want more like this? “.
” As for frequency, the only thing I remember is that I was doing the rounds AM and FM, I mean PM. I really wish I could go Radio Ga Ga with this “.
Doctor: ” What is the texture like? Is it watery, semi solid, you see some mucus? What is the viscosity or texture like?
You ( by this time you have reconciled to going with the flow and given up on all internal resistance and flush with fatigue and frustration though for a moment you think we are discussing sweet corn soup): ” It is like water of a duck’s back and too much water has flown under the bridge by now “.
Doctor: ” Is it smelly? ”
You ( thinking that this could be a first after aeons of going by the classic wake up and smell the coffee and I realised that shit has indeed hit the ceiling) – ” I didn’t volunteer to do it but my sense of smell gave up on me “.
Doctor: ” It is in the air and we have seen a lot of such patients”.
You( wondering if it is in the air, what is it doing in my gut, some guts I tell you?): ” Good to know that there is a fraternity out there, though I am not in the birds of the same feather, shit together mould “.
Then, there is the avalanche of unsolicited advice( well, you asked for it I guess) that comes from all quarters:
Your mother: ” I told you not to eat outside.” (She did not tell you. She’s saying it for the record.)
Your friend: “Just eat curd rice!” (Said while eating a pizza.)
Your aunt: “In our days, we used to drink jeera water and nothing happened.” (In her days, nobody ate a 3 AM Maggi either.)
WhatsApp University: “Take this one weird tip. Doctors HATE it.” (The doctors do not hate it. The doctors are asking you to drink ORS.)
In this state, you also go through the delusion that you have invested in a second home, only to realise that it is your bathroom. Where you have understood the tile pattern by heart, counted the exact number of steps from bedroom to bathroom and back and made design notes how to re-decorate it. And, before you get carried away, sadly, there is nothing called ROE( Return on Effort).
And before I sign off, truth be told. Your gut is the most honest member of your family. It doesn’t flatter you or care about your job title. It will humble the CEO and the intern equally, in the same bathroom, with the same urgency.
Welcome to The Stool Test: the only exam where you cannot copy, cannot bunk, and cannot ask for an extension.