<\/p>\n
Dear Charles Darwin<\/em><\/span>, if you thought humans evolved from apes, wait till you see what WhatsApp forwards<\/span><\/em> have turned us into. Spoiler alert: We’ve gone backwards.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n They say laughter is infectious. Clearly, they\u2019ve never been added to a family WhatsApp group<\/em><\/span> \u2014 that, my dear reader, is full-blown\u00a0plague<\/em><\/span>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts \u2014 we are about to take a guided tour of the world\u2019s biggest free Ivy League: WhatsApp University<\/em><\/span>.<\/strong>\u00a0Zero entrance exams, zero attendance required, and 100% guaranteed certificates \u2014 in conspiracy theories, half-baked health tips, and breaking news that never broke.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n All of us have dealt with the Patriotic Uncle<\/em><\/span> who believes that forwarding a flag emoji is synonymous with nationalism. His WhatsApp status is always “Proud to be Indian” with 47 flag emojis. Or the Corporate Warrior<\/em><\/span> who Shares “motivational” quotes that Gandhi never said but are attributed to him anyway. Believes success is just one forward away. And the quintessential Health Guru<\/em><\/span> who has the cure for everything except the forward addiction. Ironically, the only thing that can’t be cured by their remedies.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Welcome to the Economics of Absurdity<\/em><\/span> where WhatsApp forwards have created their own economy. Where the GDP(Gullibility Domestic Product)<\/em><\/span> measures how easily a population believes unverified information. And that is where inflation rate<\/em><\/span> is the speed at which nonsense multiplies in group chats. Not to mention the unabashed unemployment<\/em><\/span> as fact-checkers have given up and moved onto organic farming.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The international impact of these forwards cannot be under estimated. Rumors are rife that the United Nations<\/em><\/span> is considering adding WhatsApp Forward Pollution<\/em><\/span> to climate change discussions. Experts suggest the hot air generated by fake forwards is contributing to global warming. Several countries are embarking on high-level diplomacy with WhatsApp University.<\/em><\/span> The Vatican is contemplating offering a PhD<\/em> <\/span>in Divine Forwards<\/em><\/span>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The WhatsApp University<\/em><\/span>: No entrance exams, no attendance, no tuition fees. Just unlimited free degrees in Medicine, History, Geopolitics, Sports Management and How to Cure Cancer With Turmeric Latte. Forget AI, Blockchain, or Climate Change \u2014 the greatest contagion of our times is that cousin-in-law who believes WhatsApp forwards are Nobel-worthy research papers.COVID was a pandemic. WhatsApp forwards? An\u00a0endemic<\/em><\/span>. Unstoppable, hereditary, and immortal.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Your phone is not a phone. Not anymore. It\u2019s a petri dish. A digital incubator for the most virulent, mind-boggling, and occasionally sanity-snatching strain of information ever conceived: The WhatsApp Forward<\/em>( yes, the same thing that educates, medicates<\/em><\/span> and occasionally eliminates<\/span><\/em>). <\/em>They are the reason you\u2019ve seen a video of a lizard giving birth to a shivling, a grainy image of a miracle cloud<\/em><\/span> that looks suspiciously like a Photoshop 2.0 filter from 2003, and a 47-minute voice note explaining how eating raisins at 4:17 PM will align your chakras with Elon Musk\u2019s satellite network.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you take a global tour of this contagion, there is lots to unearth. First things first- please note that the virus mutates to<\/span> <\/em>suit its host environment. Observe. The Latin American Variant<\/em><\/span> where you get to see \u00a0frantic forward about a new mosquito that lays eggs in your laundry if you leave it out after 6 PM. It comes with a picture of a normal mosquito photoshopped to look like it\u2019s wearing tactical gear. Or the North American Strain<\/em><\/span> where a A 5G-tower-causes-COVID-consipracy theory, followed immediately by a forwarded chain mail from 1998 warning that AOL CDs are mind-control devices sent by the Illuminati. The consistency is breathtaking. While The British Mutation<\/em><\/span> comes with a solemn warning that the EU has banned curved bananas and that Her Majesty the Queen (or now, the King) personally drinks a specific brand of tea every day at precisely 4:59 PM, not 5:00 PM. The audacity.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The Indian Sub-Species<\/em><\/span> is in a class of its own. Had to be. Home is where the forwards don\u2019t just spread misinformation; they spread with a sense of profound, unshakeable duty. It\u2019s not spam; it\u2019s seva. <\/em>Where we are privy to<\/span> The Medical Miracle. ” <\/span><\/em>Good Morning. Do Not Eat Cucumber and Drink Water Within 17.5 Minutes of that. My friend’s nephews’ colleagues’ dog died. Forward to all your groups within 87 seconds “. The urgency is palpable. The grammar, a tragedy. The medical advice, a war crime.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Or messages that are Religious Ransomware<\/em><\/span> in disguise( Kaspersky<\/em><\/span>, are you tuned in?). A picture of a glittery Ganesha. The caption reads: \u201cThis is not a normal forward. This is a divine test. You will receive good news at 11:47 AM tomorrow only if you forward this to 25 people. I ignored once and my Wi-Fi broke for a week.\u201d This is digital dharma, people. You wouldn\u2019t want to risk your Wi-Fi, would you? And wait, let me not forget the Nostalgia Nano Bot<\/em><\/span>– \u201c1990s kids had real childhood. They played with stones and friendship. 2020 kids only with iPad. Like if you agree. Share to make others remember.\u201d Because nothing says \u201creal childhood\u201d like aggressively forwarding a message on a $1000 smartphone.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you haven’t seen these messages yet, I pity you. Anyway, suggest you wait, your turn will come. ” Forward this to 17 people and Mukesh Ambani<\/span><\/em> will personally top up your Jio balance<\/span> <\/em>for Rs 99“. ” UK scientists<\/span><\/em> stunned: applying onion juice to your navel guarantees IIT admission<\/span> “. ” NASA<\/span><\/em> confirms: chanting Om<\/span>\u00a0<\/em>can recharge your Wi-Fi router.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Global students are no less diligent. Americans<\/em><\/span> get\u00a0\u201cBill Gates<\/span> is giving away $500 if you forward this.\u201d (<\/em>I always knew that an idle mind is a devil’s workshop). <\/em>Nigerians<\/em><\/span> specialise in\u00a0Prince inheritance<\/span>.<\/em> (Royalty has to be passed on you see). And somewhere in the Middle East, \u201cIf you type Bismillah in Microsoft Word, your laptop becomes halal.\u201d <\/em>(We are in a consumption economy you bet). <\/em>And this one is worth the Oscar if ever there was one for WhatsApp forwards. ” Coconut oil cures everything from pimples to Pakistan<\/span>.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0\u2014 courtesy of the WhatsApp R&D division.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The amount of flexibility<\/em> <\/span>that WhatsApp forwards have will put the best gymnast from China to shame. Especially when it comes to motivational forwards<\/em><\/span> and audacious history revisionism<\/em><\/span>. ” If you wake up at 4 a.m., drink hot water, and say \u2018I am unstoppable\u2019 ten times, you will become Adani<\/em><\/span>.\u201d (Currently, all we became is constipated.) ” Dalai Lama<\/em><\/span> said this\u2026\u201d (No, sorry to disappoint you, he didn\u2019t. He has better things to do). Shakespeare<\/em><\/span> apparently wrote,\u00a0\u201cDon\u2019t cry because it\u2019s over, smile because it happened.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0Sorry, that was Dr. Seuss<\/em><\/span>, but WhatsApp insists otherwise. Suddenly, everyone from Subhash Chandra Bose<\/em><\/span> to Albert Einstein<\/em><\/span> is misquoted. UK forwards swear Queen Elizabeth<\/em><\/span> once texted LOL<\/em><\/span>\u00a0to Prince Charles<\/em><\/span>, meaning Lots of Love<\/span>.<\/em> Little wonder it is said, love is blind.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So, the next time you receive a forward, remember: you are just a sneeze away from being Patient Zero of Digital Typhoid.\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Those Good Morning<\/em><\/span> messages( yes, the ones that come at dawn, like clockwork – A blizzard of sunflowers, dewdrops, motivational quotes, kittens doing yoga, and folksy wisdom) are actually weapons of mass distraction<\/em><\/span>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When your phone convulses with the collective anxiety of a hundred forwards, remember: you are not alone. We are all unwilling graduates of WhatsApp University<\/em><\/span>, holding advanced degrees in Applied Nonsense.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n PS:<\/span><\/em> Forward this blog to ten people, or risk having your charger only work at a specific angle for the next week. You’ve been warned.<\/p>\n Yours in digital delirium,<\/p>\n Suresh Dinakaran (Professor Emeritus of Not Forwarding That Nonsense, WhatsApp University – Honours Dropout)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Charles Darwin, if you thought humans evolved from apes, wait till you see what WhatsApp forwards have turned us into. Spoiler alert: We’ve gone backwards. They say laughter is infectious. Clearly, they\u2019ve never been added to a family WhatsApp group \u2014 that, my dear reader, is full-blown\u00a0plague. Ladies and gentlemen, fasten … Continue reading “The Great WhatsApp Forward Pandemic: How Humanity Caught a Digital Plague and Refuses to Get Vaccinated”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2303","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2303","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2303"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2303\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2304,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2303\/revisions\/2304"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2303"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2303"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2303"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}