<\/p>\n
I am still to come to terms with the fact that why does a batsman who is out for a first ball duck <\/em><\/span>(that too clean bowled) has to look at the scorecard 18 times before he traverses the 70 0dd metres( oops make it 50 in these days of ‘diet cricket grounds<\/span><\/em>‘) back to the pavilion. Is he hoping for some miraculous divine intervention where the scorecard will reflect 42 against his name and retired hurt<\/em><\/span> as a suffix?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Or the on field umpire’s geometry skills being put to the test when signaling to the third umpire for a decision. Unsure whether the TV set is a rectangle or a square, he leaves it halfway through, leaving it for someone else to figure out the last mile.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And then there is this Mr Noddy( sorry Enid Blyton)- the batsman who keeps nodding his head( putting our Malayalee friend from Kottayam to shame) on getting out literally virtue signaling and telling ” how can this happen to me- I have been growing in leaps and bounds averaging 15.76, 16.24 and 17.12 respectively in the last three English County Championships with an average strike rate of 67.6.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And while we all love the game for its glorious uncertainties, let’s call cricket what it really is \u2013 legalized public insanity with statistics.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Cricket is a funny game. No, seriously. It\u2019s a cocktail of Shakespearean drama, WWE-style theatrics, Bollywood-level melodrama, and a splash of reality TV absurdity. It\u2019s got everything\u2014grown men appealing like desperate salesmen, umpires who sometimes seem to be auditioning for mime school, and commentators who can make even a dot ball sound like an intergalactic event( apart from telling us incessantly that during Power Play only two fielders are allowed outside the 30 yard circle- any more of such verbal diarrhea and he should be taken to task for insider trading).<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It’s the only sport where players religiously polish their balls in full view of families while commentators discuss the technique with scholarly reverence. “Excellent shine on that one, Geoffrey!” Yes, we’ve normalized grown men vigorously rubbing their crotches on live television.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Cricket remains the beautiful lunatic of sports<\/em><\/span> \u2013 a game where rain stops play but standing in 47-degree Delhi heat is perfectly acceptable. Where the English invented it but haven’t won a proper World Cup until they needed a boundary countback rule so byzantine it was immediately abolished. Where Shane Warne<\/span><\/em> could be simultaneously a tactical genius and someone who thought baked beans were an exotic food. It’s a game where I<\/em>nzamam-ul-Haq<\/em> \u00a0<\/span>got out “hit wicket” trying to jump away from a wasp. Where Andrew Symonds<\/em> <\/span>tackled a naked streaker like he was playing NFL<\/em><\/span>. Where Suraj Randiv<\/em><\/span> deliberately bowled a no-ball to prevent Virender Sehwag<\/em><\/span> reaching a century \u2013 the pettiness here is Olympic-level!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Cricket is the only game where a duck doesn\u2019t quack, a maiden is not a damsel in distress, and a nightwatchman isn\u2019t guarding a castle but rather your team\u2019s fragile ego.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So the next time you watch 22 millionaires spending days chasing a leather orb around a field while wearing enough protective equipment to survive a nuclear winter, remember: this isn’t just a sport. It’s humanity’s most elaborate practical joke \u2013 and we’re all gloriously, ridiculously complicit<\/em><\/span>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n All formats of the game come with their consistent set of absurdity. Here goes:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Test Cricket: Where Time Goes to Die (And So Does Your Social Life)<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n – A format so slow, even the pigeons on the field start judging the batters. “Just hit it, mate, my grandkids will be here by the time you score.” Try telling that to Andrew Hilditch<\/em><\/span>!<\/p>\n – Bowlers sending down 145 km\/h thunderbolts only for the batter to leave it like it\u2019s a bad Tinder<\/em><\/span> message. “Nah, not today, Satan.”<\/p>\n – The “spirit of cricket<\/span><\/em>“debate, which is just code for “I\u2019m mad but pretending to be classy about it.” (Looking at you, “Mankad<\/em><\/span>” stans.)<\/p>\n – Fielders at silly point who either look like fearless warriors or hostages. No in-between.<\/p>\n -Test cricket \u2013 that magnificent five-day exercise in delayed gratification<\/em><\/span> \u2013 is basically Stockholm Syndrome<\/em><\/span> disguised as sport. We watch fielders standing motionless for so long they become part of the landscape. In what other professional sport could an athlete eat a sandwich, take a nap, finish a novel, and still be considered “actively participating”?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The real comedy is how we describe Test cricket’s tedium as “chess-like strategy” when it’s really just 22 men in white pajamas engaged in elaborate performance art. England once scored 33 runs in an entire session. That’s not sport \u2013 that’s horticultural observation with occasional applause!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n One-Day Internationals: The \u2018Diet Coke\u2019 of Cricket<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n -One-day cricket arrived like the unwanted middle child \u2013 too flashy for traditionalists, too boring for the YouTube generation. Remember when 250 was a good score? Now bowlers look like they’ve witnessed their own funeral when conceding less than 300. It’s the cricket equivalent of cargo shorts<\/em> <\/span>\u2013 nobody loves it, but it’s stubbornly refusing to go away.<\/p>\n – The middle overs, where the only excitement is the cameraman zooming in on a spectator picking their nose.<\/p>\n – Batters who turn into tortoises after power plays. “Oh, we\u2019re at 100 in 15 overs? Time to gently caress the ball to midwicket for the next 20.”<\/p>\n – Bowlers getting absolutely obliterated for six sixes in an over, then pretending it was part of the plan. “Yeah, I was just lulling them into a false sense of security.”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n T20(Because Test cricket was too busy ironing its whites): Cricket on Crack<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n – T20 crashed the party \u2013 cricket’s cocaine-fueled fever dream where everything is LOUDER, FASTER, and ACCOMPANIED BY FLAMES! Suddenly batsmen swing like they’re trying to kill mosquitoes with sledgehammers. Chris Gayle<\/span><\/em> became a deity for essentially playing baseball with a plank. Bowlers now need therapists on standby as their carefully crafted deliveries disappear into orbit, while captains make field placements that resemble elaborate modern art installations.<\/p>\n – Batters swinging like they\u2019re in a nightclub at 3 AM and the ball is their ex\u2019s text.<\/p>\n – Bowlers getting smacked for 30 in an over and still giving the “I\u2019m the main character”stare.<\/p>\n – Fielders attempting “superman dives” and ending up as meme material. “Congratulations, you saved one run\u2026 at the cost of your dignity.”<\/p>\n – Strategic timeouts where the coach says “Just hit the ball, bro ” like it\u2019s profound wisdom.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n No game would be complete without its set of on field<\/em> <\/span>and off field<\/em><\/span> theatrics:-<\/p>\n <\/p>\n On-Field Drama:<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n – Players<\/em><\/span> appealing like they\u2019ve just seen a ghost when the ball clearly missed the bat by a mile. Umpires<\/em><\/span> giving the “I\u2019m not paid enough for this”look in return.<\/p>\n – The “elite honesty<\/em><\/span>” of walking off before the umpire\u2019s decision\u2014rare, but when it happens, the cricketing world acts like they\u2019ve witnessed a unicorn tap-dancing.<\/p>\n – Fielders<\/span> <\/em>“accidentally” kicking the ball over the boundary (oops, my foot slipped!) or “celebrating” a wicket before realizing the bowler overstepped by a kilometer.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Off-Field Circus:<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n – Crowds<\/span> <\/em>losing their minds over a six like it\u2019s the second coming, while the guy in the stands with a giant foam finger somehow becomes the TV star.\u00a0 Not to mention the ‘highly knowledgable audience<\/em><\/span>‘ who goes berserk clapping and screaming only to realise that the batsman who has got out is from the team she has supposedly come to support.<\/p>\n – Social media experts<\/span><\/em> who\u2019ve never held a bat diagnosing a player\u2019s technique based on a 10-second clip. “His backlift is 2.7 degrees off, he\u2019s finished!” Social media has turned every match into digital gladiatorial combat. Remember when Ravi Shastri’<\/em><\/span>s “TRACER BULLET” comment became a meme faster than Usain Bolt<\/em><\/span>? Or when Jimmy Neesham<\/em><\/span>‘s Twitter account became more entertaining than actual New Zealand<\/em><\/span> matches?<\/p>\n – Broadcasters<\/span> <\/em>milking drama with ultra-HD slow-mos of a bowler\u2019s nostril flare like it\u2019s a National Geographic<\/em><\/span> documentary. Yes, the same guys who have turned cricket into a soap opera with Ultra-slow-mo close-ups of sweat dripping off a bowler\u2019s brow like it\u2019s The Godfather<\/em><\/span>.\u00a0 Television has transformed cricket into soft-core sports pornography. Ultra-HD slow-motion captures every bead of sweat, nostril flare, and wayward butt-scratch in magnificent detail. Stump mics<\/em><\/span> have revealed that international cricketers have the vocabulary range of drunken sailors. Ball-tracking technology<\/em><\/span> proves what fans have known forever \u2013 umpires need glasses<\/em><\/span>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n -The Commentary gems<\/span><\/em>: “He\u2019s hit that into the next postcode!”(Wow, geography lesson!) and last but not the least the Mandatory cut<\/em><\/span> to the “worried girlfriend in the stands”cam after a player gets out. “Yes, Karen, he failed. Now let\u2019s watch you fail to pretend you care.”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n – The IPL auction<\/span><\/em> \u2013 cricket’s bizarre human cattle market where millionaires bid for humans while commentators discuss their “utility” like they’re buying kitchen appliances. “He’s a useful lower-order batsman with adequate fielding skills, starting bid 2 crore rupees!” Somewhere, Karl Marx<\/em><\/span> is spinning in his grave.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n -Remember when Shahid Afridi<\/em><\/span> retired approximately 17 times, each comeback more dramatic than the last? Or when David Warner<\/em><\/span> made TikTok<\/em><\/span> videos dancing to Bollywood songs during COVID lockdown? Cricket creates more bizarre character arcs than Game of Thrones<\/em><\/span>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n -One of the biggest Characters of Our Tragicomedy<\/em><\/span> are without doubt the Umpires<\/em><\/span>\u2013 those white or black-coated dictators \u2013who have evolved from respected arbiters to reluctant technology operators. Poor Billy Bowden<\/span><\/em>, with his crooked finger signals that made him look like he was simultaneously having a seizure and directing traffic. Then there’s the DRS<\/em><\/span> \u2013 cricket’s way of saying “We have technology, but we’d still prefer arguments.” DRS (Decision Review System)<\/em> –<\/span>when the moment a player goes for a review, it\u2019s like watching a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire<\/em><\/span>\u2014hands on hips, intense stare at the screen, hoping for the \u2018UltraEdge\u2019 to reveal some cosmic conspiracy in their favor. Remember when Steve Bucknor<\/em><\/span> would take approximately 17 years to raise his finger while batsmen aged visibly? Or Kumar Dharmasena’<\/em><\/span>s iconic 2019 World Cup final overthrow decision that had New Zealanders contemplating formal war with the ICC?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Cricket is the greatest unintentional comedy show on earth. It\u2019s got everything\u2014heroes, villains, tragic collapses, and at least one guy who somehow trips over his own feet on live TV. Whether it\u2019s Test cricket\u2019s “I\u2019m not dead, I\u2019m resting”energy or T20\u2019s “hold my protein shake”chaos, the game never fails to remind us that life is meaningless and we\u2019re all just here to overreact.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Cricket is a game where a batsman can get out because his shoelace was untied, a bowler can take a wicket with a ball that bounced twice, and a fielder can drop the easiest catch but take a blind screamer the very next ball.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It\u2019s a sport where a third umpire takes 67 angles and five minutes to decide something we all saw in real-time. A game where fans fight over GOAT debates like they\u2019re defending their family\u2019s honor. And, most importantly, a game where rain can play a bigger role than the players.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Funny game, cricket. And that\u2019s why we love it. Calling it stumps now!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I am still to come to terms with the fact that why does a batsman who is out for a first ball duck (that too clean bowled) has to look at the scorecard 18 times before he traverses the 70 0dd metres( oops make it 50 in these days of ‘diet cricket grounds‘) back … Continue reading “A funny game called Cricket!”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2038","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2038","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2038"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2038\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2042,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2038\/revisions\/2042"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2038"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2038"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sureshdinakaran.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2038"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}